Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
