do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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