You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
