We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
