Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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