Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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