There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize