I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
