oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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