overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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