there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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