i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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