I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
