Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
