i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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