Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
