I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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