Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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