Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
