Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
even my farts smell like vagina
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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