I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
