I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
