I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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