I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
