my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
