just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I AM VODKA MAN
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
