We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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