you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
