is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
