I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
