I wish my penis had an off switch
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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