but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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