I puked a lego.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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