Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
