Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize