Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
