I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Cover your peen. We're going out.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
