Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
