Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
