jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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