Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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