Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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