life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
