12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
