It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
