Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize