4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You work out of a Hotel?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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