mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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