I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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