I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
