why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
