my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
