my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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