I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
