I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
