true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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