I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
