Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
How does it feel to date your dad?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
