Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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