Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
