Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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