i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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