He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
