Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
