the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
