I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
