Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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