The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
