I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
