my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
