where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
