honey bunches of taint.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize