So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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