apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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